


Programmed To Self Destruct

by somethingfullofangst (sram)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: AGE AGE AGE AGE, Age Difference, Age Differences, Bottom Lee Jooheon, Character Death, Comfort, Emotional, M/M, Read at Your Own Risk, Timeskip, exploring loss, not a creepy one tho, opposite of a slow burn, sparkler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-07-12 12:39:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15995405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sram/pseuds/somethingfullofangst
Summary: Jooheon falls in love one summer after a tragedy strikes.Changkyun is going to save him. That's what he wants to believe. And maybe it's true, or maybe he carries enough loss to weigh the both of them down.They love each other until it hurts.





	1. Programmed To Self Destruct Obviously.

**Author's Note:**

> this will be short. it's romantic guys. please ignore the sad stuff. I promise I'll lighten the mood soon.

Jooheon loves it at the end of summer when his brother comes home from working all year 'round. Every year his vacation is humbly spent with family in their small hometown, and in August he goes back to the city. Every year it's like something about him changes. His hair color, the clothes he wears, his scent. Jooheon notes every little difference like he remembers his brother exactly when he left.

This year when he comes home he brings home a friend. Jooheon has never met any of his city friends, naturally, he would have some, but Jooheon stares in awe at the beauty of the big city being displayed right before his eyes. 

“This is Lim Changkyun. We, um, we're roommates. He pays majority bills though. He had a falling out with his folks so I told him to just come with me, plus I wanted you guys to meet him.” Minhyuk ruffles Changkyun's dirty blond hair and smiles fondly when Changkyun reacts in annoyance. 

Changkyun isn't dressed impeccably, he's just wearing jeans and a plain white shirt. But still, Jooheon watches with newfound wonder. He's never seen a man so pretty, so put together, never seen a man that simply smiles and it makes his heart beat so much faster. 

“You gonna keep staring at each other or you wanna introduce yourselves?” Minhyuk's lands a palm so hard on Jooheon’s shoulder that the sound echoes in the room and Changkyun winces in response. 

“I was entranced--his dimples. I've never seen anything quite like it. It's… Cute.”

"Oh?” Minhyuk looks hurt, his smile falters at the corners and his shoulders slump. “I'm cute too.”

"I mean yeah, naturally, you're brothers. But why don't you look alike?"

That weekend they visit Jooheon's mother in the hospital, she is frail and she gets weaker with each passing day. But her face lights up when Minhyuk and his own mother enter the room, and she sits up in bed despite the pain that covers her features. 

Changkyun follows close behind the family with his slippers slapping on the cold tile, his face is set in stone. Jooheon wonders if he realizes now what it means, exactly why they look nothing alike, and why Minhyuk never answered that question when he asked. 

But he focuses more on his mother's condition and her every whim. She asks him to get her distilled water, and he runs the distance the store up the street. She asks him to hold her hand she can barely lift, it slips out of his grasp and he reaches for it again, though her sad smile tells him to just leave it be. If she asked him to bring her the sun out of the sky, it would remind him that Icarus was once a boy too. And he'd try like hell to achieve it. 

He's kneeling by the door before they leave, crying into the sleeve of his shirt and trying to ‘okay’ his voice when he says “I'm fine." and Minhyuk doesn't push him, doesn't force him to stand. Nobody urges him to leave the hospital until he says it's time. After all, this might be Minhyuk's last visit to this hospital, the kind gentle lady in the bed that helped raise him from a curious toddler until he left for school in the city is fading from existence. She'll be gone before next vacation. Before next year. This is his last chance. They say goodbye and the air is heavy. 

Changkyun holds Jooheon's hand in the car on their way back home. They're silent, it hasn't even been three days since Minhyuk brought this total stranger home to meet them. They're bunched up in the back of the car, and Jooheon's uncontrollable yet quiet crying either annoyed Changkyun to death or induced an overwhelming pity. Minhyuk glances into the rearview mirror with a smile. 

When they get home that night Minhyuk indulges him. He pours an alcoholic beverage and chocolate milk into a bottle, covers the top of it with the palm of his hand, and shakes it until it’s almost overflowing. “Drink this. You'll feel better." And Jooheon accepts the drink in gratitude. He's seventeen, he's still in high school, and he has so many tests getting ready to hit him in the face when school starts back. But here he is. For one night, living like he's young, like he's ready to die. 

Sometime later in the night after Minhyuk has made him another drink, another drink, and another drink it all starts to hit him. The room is hot and his legs are heavy, and everything blurs into everything else so he excuses himself from the company of the two boys plus one and heads outside to cool off on the porch. 

Something about the night sky entraps him. He gazes longingly at the stars, and time escapes his every breath. He would like to ask whoever hung each light in the sky if they ever thought it was silly when people made wishes on things speeding to their deaths. 

He's been gone too long, so finally Changkyun comes outside to check up on him. Minhyuk is inside with another friend. A girl he went to school with, she's a nurse and she knows all about their family situation. She came to offer her condolences. Jooheon guesses that means taking off all her clothes and fucking her childhood crush in his old bedroom, trying to keep the noise to a minimum even though everyone in the house knows the bed doesn't creak that much on a normal night. 

“You okay?" Changkyun's deep voice pulls him from his reverie and he turns to the elder with streaks of tears rolling off his cheeks like gentle rain. 

“I'm fine," he tried to okay his voice again, sniffling back the flood he never realized was pouring. “I'm just… It's a lot. She really wanted to see Minhyuk again before she passed. Dad never gets a break either. Even though I'm the result of an affair I mean, look at him, he's in so much pain watching her suffer. And Mrs. Lee. She's so good to me. They're all so good. I just. I don't deserve this.”

Changkyun shushes him, presses his forehead against Jooheon's and just holds him there breathing and shushing and running his fingers through his hair like he knows loss better than anyone else. Like this pain is one he's felt too many times before. 

When Jooheon's body is no longer wracked with sobs, he finally laughs a little, nose stuffy and running over. “I'm sorry about this, all of it. I'm a mess. But thank you."

“I'm just so fucking mesmerized. I've never seen someone crying so beautifully before….” Changkyun admits with a guilty look on his face. “I wanted to keep seeing it." and then he pulls a little shot bottle of orange whiskey out of his pocket and shoves it into Jooheon’s hands. “Do you mind?" he asks just as guiltily, but doesn't wait for an answer and doesn't attempt to clarify what he means before he presses their lips sloppily together and tilts his head to make sure that he gets to taste every inch of Jooheon's puffy pink lips. 

This was only the first-day Jooheon realized how much he loved the sweet taste of another man. And it was wrong. It was so wrong. But he stared longingly at Changkyun the next morning while they were eating breakfast around the table, Minhyuk accompanied by his friend who overslept and couldn't sneak her way tiredly out of the house before everyone woke up. She's blushing when she thanks them for the meal, her neck is abused underneath the purple material of her scrubs. She wears her hair down to hide most of it, but she looks so rough, and they all know she didn't get to sleep at all. 

Changkyun smirks, lips still wrapped around his cold spoon as he basically shoves all of the Cheerios out of the bowl into his mouth in big piles. “She said thank you." he repeats jokingly, a few pieces falling out and back into the bowl, and with his free hand motions to Minhyuk, “Did you also thank her for the meal last night?" 

From the sink washing dishes, Minhyuk's mother shrieks and throws down the spoon she's been scrubbing for five minutes straight. She squints at them angrily through the dirtied lenses of her glasses and leaves the kitchen immediately. 

“Oh don't act. You enjoy doing it like that too, I would know, I barely get to sleep back home.” Minhyuk shoots back as soon as his mother is out of earshot, and his haunt of the night blushes even redder than before. Nobody needs clarification since the topic of conversation is still about enjoying a meal. 

“I can't argue about that one.” Changkyun laughs gently, like he's trying not to disturb the air in the house. “I like what I like. I can't help it." 

Jooheon goes stiff in his seat. What was he expecting out of Changkyun in the first place? He's young but he's not dumb. They kissed sloppily, drunkenly even, and Changkyun hurried back into the house with a baby-pink dusting his cheeks. Jooheon let his spoon fall loudly unto the table, and the chair scrapes against the wood as he stands up. He finished eating a good while ago, should've listened to his brain when it told him to leave. “Sorry. I don't feel good. I should go back to sleep." he excuses himself and rushes out of the kitchen like he set the house on fire and he's trying to leave it behind him in a trail of smoke and pain. 

Later on that day it's hot. Too hot. The air conditioner broke again, but in a small town like that several air conditioners have broken, and they're second to last in a long list of places that need the air conditioning fixed. He's hot and sprawled out on the cool wood floors in the living room, staring out of the glass backdoor at the quietness of nature. 

Changkyun enters here. He flops down in front of Jooheon and tilts his head so that their eyes meet. He's smiling. It's sweet, it's sickening. Jooheon sits up instantly. “Can I help you?"

“How did it feel when you got drunk last night for the first time?” Changkyun randomly asks as he too sits up and they are once again eye to eye. “Ah. Also… You weren't behaving like someone that is experienced in that field, so I was curious.”

"Oh? No. I drink all the time. Mostly when Minhyuk comes back home, I think that's how I built my tolerance.”

"Drinking?” Changkyun's brows knit together in confusion and he props his head up in his palms. “Right. Yes. Drinking."

“No? Not talking about that?"

“I, err, yes we were. But I mean I was changing the subject. We weren't talking about drinking anymore, or so I thought.” Changkyun laughs like the air is sour around him, like he needs to be careful of setting off a landmine. “It's because your lips are way too distracting for me, you know? Your taste reminded me of just… Pure sin. Of the first time I tasted sin. It's still fresh on my mind. So soft.”

Jooheon's been staring at the lines on his dried fingers for a little bit of time to avoid making eye contact, so this forces him to look at Changkyun to confirm he's hearing what he thinks he's hearing. “Oh, you were talking about the k-kiss."

Changkyun's face lights up and he stares fondly at Jooheon now. They are on the same page. “Yeah. I'm surprised, you were pretty good for it to be your first time.” 

" I don't… How do you know it was my first time?" Jooheon feels oddly defensive like Changkyun is looking down on him and he needs to set the record straight. He is not a toy. Not a thing to be pitied, to be held and to be made weak. 

“Would you have your first kiss without telling Minhyuk? Ah." Changkyun's eyes widen, he looks as if he's been caught in some type of lie, or some type of secret that shouldn't be spilled. “When he gets drunk he never stops talking about his sweet little brother. I know some… Things I never asked to know.”

Jooheon pulls his knees up to his chest and buries his face in them, embarrassed by the entire situation, but also finding it's so much harder keeping Changkyun's eyes glued to his without feeling the heat hit him that much harder than before. “Thanks, Minhyuk."

“You know before we came he cried a lot. Said he should've spent more holidays with you, not just summer vacations. Said it like you were dying.” Changkyun notes from memories of drunken nights alone with his roommate, when it wasn't about getting laid by someone at the bar, but emotionally connecting with a friend instead. “When I saw your picture for the first time I thought you looked really pale, but not terminally ill. So I was confused about it all. Him talking like he was holding a memorial service.”

Jooheon lifts his head just enough so that he can glare at Changkyun, though it's unintentionally harsh. “Interesting to know. I guess at one point when we found out her illness was terminal, I stopped eating a lot and didn’t start back until I was on the verge of passing out. Um, I dyed my hair a lot. I listened to music too loud to drown out the people telling me things like, oh you know she’s gonna die, you need to accept it as it is. I changed a lot. Minhyuk probably feels like he blinked and the person he knew was no longer here.”

Changkyun nods his head in understanding and then reaches over to touch Jooheon’s naked forearm, his fingers trace a vein all the way down to the finger and then he cups Jooheon’s smaller hands with his own. “Were you living like you wanted to die, without actually wanting to die?”

“We always do, don’t we? Live and die. Die and live.” Jooheon reaches down to remove the hand, to complain about the heat soaking into his bones, but Changkyun pierces him in place with his strongly accusing gaze. 

“You ever tried to hurt yourself? Anywhere? I mean it’s awfully hot in here for you to be wearing pants, so I’m just curious about it all...”

“Excuse me!” Jooheon shoots upright, his sockless feet finding grip on the floor a lot quicker than Changkyun’s patterned ones, which gives him just enough time to stare down at Changkyun in disgust. “Don’t talk like you know my pain. I hate it when people do that.”

Minhyuk comes storming into the room wearing nothing but green and red boxers, a chibi fat Santa printed all over them. “It’s goddamn hot in here, okay?! Like I’m goddamn dying! Let’s go get ice cream-!”

Jooheon is breathing heavy and his face is red with anger. He doesn’t even know why he’s so upset, why he feels so betrayed by something so soft and curious, full of care, full of sadness. Changkyun’s face falls, and he remains quiet as Jooheon leaves the room in a hurry for the second time that day.

A week passes of very little interesting things happening between them, as they just exist around each other, and Jooheon wakes up with shivers. He quickly discovers Changkyun is just… watching him while he sleeps, perched at the edge of the bed, staring expressionlessly.

“Can I help you with something?” Jooheon rasps out, his throat dry from sleeping too long because he was trying to avoid spending too much time around Changkyun in the first place. 

Changkyun grins. “Mind if I join you? Minhyuk has that nurse friend over again. And I don’t have any covers to sleep on the couch.”

Jooheon scoots over sleepily, his brain isn’t processing what he’s doing, he’s not even sure what part of the brain is allowing him to make this decision, but as soon as Changkyun shower fresh scent washes over him he’s wide awake and throwing his arm out to stop Changkyun from cozying up to him under the blanket.

“Wait Changkyun I’m not wearing any pants-”

“Wow, your legs are so freaking soft.” Changkyun isn’t purposefully trying to bump into Jooheon but in a bed that small it’s impossible. He gives an apologetic smile and lifts his hands above the covers to show he means no harm. “They’re soft. But um, I won’t touch them, you know, if you don’t want me to.”

Jooheon freezes midway as he’s trying to scoot closer to the wall and make room for his new guest. Again, Changkyun has said something that makes him wonder if he’s hearing things, or if Changkyun seriously just… offered to touch his legs?

Jooheon sinks further into the blankets, hiding his reddening face even if it’s dark and even if Changkyun can’t see it. It takes some time for him to be comfortable enough to fall asleep, mostly because Changkyun’s promise to keep his hands to himself flies out the window when he drifts off, apparently he’s a sleep cuddler with the habit of pressing his crotch against soft warm things. Like Jooheon, Jooheon’s thighs, and when he finally falls asleep too; Jooheon’s lower back.

Still, he’d be lying if he said that right there in that embrace he didn’t feel so relieved. So at home. So free.

He slips into a dream. He hasn't been able to have any meaningful dreams since his mother became sick. But here he is, he knows it must be, because Changkyun is hovering over him kissing him so gently and pressing his lips to the hot skin of his collarbone, and then licking the deep grooves in the skin like he's trying to taste every inch. 

Jooheon indulges in the dream. He wraps his arms around Changkyun's neck and pulls him into one of the softest dream-kisses he's ever felt. 

He knows it's wrong. So, so, so wrong. But he can't help himself. 

And maybe Changkyun is having a similar dream, with the way he's squeezing Jooheon closer and closer until they're both breathing in-sync like a newborn being held to its mother's chest so it remembers to breathe consistently.

Maybe all they've ever needed was each other in the first place.


	2. And The Pieces Of The Mask Fall Apart

“Tragedy is irreversible. It's a stain on the ever-stretching fabric of our lives that we can't remove no matter how strong the chemicals we use. Just another sip and the pain will stop - another sip, one more…”

“Grief is an illness that we can't recover from. Not that we ever try. Maybe we can. Maybe we can look past the pain and find something”. - 

“Mourning is a lot darker than morning. Isn't it? On the day of a memorial service there is always tears. And rain. And tears. Mourning is a lot darker” - 

Jooheon doesn't cry on the first day. Or the second. Or the third. He lays in bed counting the times Minhyuk calls him in a night. Hangs up because someone is calling him, calls right back. Drunk mostly, but when he's sober it's not any more pleasant. He cries either way. His voice is always just silk and melody and pain when he finally hiccups himself to sleep Jooheon wonders what that feels like. What it feels like to have your sobs clawing their way out from the back of your throat, leaving raw fresh wounds in its wake. Does it hurt to breathe? He wants to ask Minhyuk if it hurts to breathe. 

On the seventh day Changkyun calls to check on him in the fashion that people only use when they're pitying you, and Jooheon hates being pitied so he tries to ignore the little undertone in Changkyun's voice when he says. “Are you okay? I know it may not seem like it right now but you will get better if you try.”

“i don't _want_ to..” Jooheon mumbles in response. _I like being sick_. “Why does everyone keep saying this? It's even worse because these people still have their parents. How do they know I will ever get better? They don't.”

“I know baby, I know.” coos Changkyun, awkward deep voice followed by a laugh. “You sound pouty right now. But being pouty is better than being Minhyuk, so I think I'm doing a great job with at least one of the siblings.”

“Yeah. Another person that still has his parents! I wish he'd stop! It makes me feel bad because I'm not even half as torn up as he is and she was my mom!”

Changkyun laughs again, riled up by Jooheon slowly opening up to him. “Minhyuk just has a big heart. An even bigger stomach though. I'm not sure if I'm buying comfort snacks or an entire meal right now.”

And so they laugh about Minhyuk and his confusing nature that involves crying and then eating carbs and crying some more pathetically, but before Changkyun allows the conversation to flow too happily he reminds Jooheon of one important thing: “It's okay to cry, and yeah, you may not feel it yet, but I'm telling you there's no greater pain than losing someone so significant like a mother so - you should, you should sit down and let yourself cry. Let it heal. Don't pretend that her death was the only thing that happened to her because that's a horrible thing to remember someone by.”

On the fifteenth day, he's sitting at the little white kitchen table dicing tomatoes for his stepmom when it really surfaces from somewhere deep after he tried to bury it right along with the memory of his mother smiling at him on his graduation day. The sound that escapes him. barely sounds like something he could make; a squeaky whine mixed with this choked gargling sound. He just breaks. Entirely. He's just shaking and crying and holding himself and crying when it really settles on him. It isn't fair to lose her - why'd she have to leave him here alone? Nobody is going to love his flaws. Nobody is going to be proud of his small accomplishments. Without her, he is nothing in this world, without her he feels nothing at all. Why is this fair? Why is this fair? 

Tears are salty and mourning is darker than morning and-

When he calls Changkyun that night his throat is just exactly how he imagines Minhyuk’s feels after he finished crying himself to sleep on the phone almost every night. Jooheon doesn't know where it's coming from, doesn't know where the pain strikes him the most, why his heart still hasn't recovered in the ill sort of way that his voice managed to. “I did it today.” 

“You did it?” Changkyun sounds half sleep, but maybe his heartwarmingly deep voice just constantly gives off that feeling. “What are we talking about now?”

“It's the fucking poetry stuff you kept forcing on me. Mourning and all of that.”

“Poetry? Jooheon you-” a shift, his voice crackling in and out. “Cried? ‘s that why you sound so… Broken?”

Jooheon scoffs bitterly and it burns stronger than anything he's ever felt. Maybe because the burn extends past the rawness of his throat, but down straight to his soul. Feels like he's been gargling salt water all day to cure a sore throat. “Yeah. I cried a lot. Dicing tomatoes. I don't even know… Tomatoes were her favorite. Sometimes she'd just eat them to eat them and I thought that was so gross.”

“Tomatoes are pretty gross.”

“Absolutely disgusting. But she loved them, so so much…. Ugh, when will this stop hurting.”

Changkyun is silent for a while. “When does it stop hurting? Are you expected to heal by a certain time? Does anyone expect for you to get over that? It really depends. Do you think it'll ever stop hurting? Do you want it to? It's been twelve years since I lost my mom, still hurts like a bitch though.”

“Oh, Changkyun I'm so… I'm so sorry. I had no idea that you'd lost your mother. I had no idea.”

“Apparently my dad doesn't have the slightest idea either. Like she never existed, he's married the next young thing looking for easy money. Think this one's waiting for him to croak so she can get the insurance money.”

And so they bond in the way that all broken things do. Changkyun doesn't seem much like the crying type, in fact when they'd received word of Jooheon’s great loss, Minhyuk was the first to bawl, followed by their parents and that was when Changkyun swiped under his eyes to make sure nothing had escaped. Clenched his jaw too. He looked real tough with those bloodshot eyes on display in the kitchen at the dinner table, rubbing under his eyes furiously, looking up at the ceiling in silent prayer to keep the tears at bay. 

Tonight on the phone for better or worse, he cries just a little, his voice cracks at all the wrong moments, but his pain is felt as Jooheon also shudders his way through too many forced breaths and not enough words. 

 

In light of this, the truth is that they are both just a little bit broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all I started writing this b4 my mom passed away so it was very very hard for me to actually continue working on it but I think I'll finish it in no time since I have an estimated three more chapters. depending on what I'm feeling it may even be four more


	3. A Long Vacation

_"And I just want to... Take a long vacation, you know? Never return."_

_"Are you saying you wanna die?"_

_"Huh...? I..."_

 

_

 

Jooheon knows his body aches for something more than a hug, but when he arrives at Minhyuk’s place one chilly January morning and Changkyun is the only person awake and physically capable of opening the door; he thinks he is more than willing to settle for what he can get. He's traveled somewhat far to get here. He's been in the back of a bus with a bunch of strangers for about three hours, so the least he deserves is familiarity.

Even though when he is engulfed the immediate heat from Changkyun's body is a welcome feeling it starts to get too hot too fast and they have to separate fairly quickly, which leaves them to just stare at each other. He smells a mixture of alcohol and cologne on Changkyun- “Wow.” Jooheon breathes uneasily, his attention drifting away from the equal parts heavenly/gross smell emanating from Changkyun’s entire body. “Is that Minhyuk sleeping on the island in the kitchen?”

Changkyun pushes the door open wider and Jooheon gapes. “Why yes, yes it is. We came from the bar a little while ago, so he's… Coming down.”

“All night at the bar? Coming down? From what?” Jooheon ambles through the front door and immediately begins shedding all of his warm winter clothes in a neatly folded pile on top of his travel bag, starting with a tightly woven scarf, and lastly removes his snow drenched sports shoes. “When you said bar I was thinking liquor maybe, not straight up hardcore bath salts.”

“No! Not that. He confessed to his crush, then they made out in the back of the cab and wouldn't stop fondling each other. It was very stressful. We got kicked out six miles from our street and had to walk the rest of the way. They couldn't keep their hands off each other, and I may need therapy for all the trauma I received from witnessing it.” Changkyun explains, and then he points to a completely indistinguishable blob on the floor in their sparsely decorated living room, the object in question covered up with a fluffy navy blue throw blanket in front of their television and gaming console. “Somehow they ended up sleeping in different areas.”

His mind lingers on what Changkyun's definition of a ‘high’ is, but for the better part of this morning Jooheon can only be happy to be standing before the very same man that talked (him down from the ledge figuratively and literally) on the phone almost every single night when he felt a little too heavy and a little too much. Minhyuk is a major bonus to that because Jooheon loves him very much. They just-so-happen to live together, and Jooheon couldn't ask for a better excuse to get away from his pseudo-parents.

“Oh, so he confessed to… Um… What's his name? Hong?” Jooheon has to chop his own reverie in half when it dawns on him that they're just standing there staring at each other smiling ear-to-ear, and it's kind of hot in here- So he has to make some kind of small talk, or else he'll end up just throwing himself into Changkyun and hoping for the best.

“Hyungwon, he's a law student. Which is great, because Minhyuk is bound to get himself in some serious trouble if he doesn't stop dating so many students.”

“Wouldn’t Hyungwon have to graduate first? Before any of that is useful?” at the mention of his name from beneath the covered blob Hyungwon’s hand flies up Instinctively and mumbles a nearly incoherent “Present,” like there's a roll call at school.

“Wellllll that's… Anyway, do you wanna share a bed with me or Minhyuk? He's bound to have a lot of company though, so maybe you'd prefer sleeping with me? Like at your house, but my bed is bigger so it won't be so much of the…” Changkyun slides his hands up and down in front Jooheon’s thinner frame and then pouts. “The touching. God, you've gotten a little… I hope you know I'm gonna fatten you up now that you're here! We're having spicy beef for breakfast! And then we'll drink raw egg and peanut butter shakes!”

“No the hell we won't.” Minhyuk stirs on the counter and barstool when they pass by, but he doesn't actually move again until he slips off the counter (literally) to go and slump over the blob that is Hyungwon about thirty minutes later.

It's not like Hyungwon is a total stranger to Jooheon, but he can't really imagine his face when it isn't choppy pixelation on a video call with Changkyun.

Changkyun is right. His bed is definitely a lot bigger than Jooheon’s, but still he feels the warmth seeping through his thin hoodie when they flop down next to each other just to test the roominess, though with both of their weight on the mattress it kind of dips in and they end up being pulled closer by gravity itself . It hits all the way home when he remembers the two men that occupy this space are both young single guys, and he's probably not the only recent person who's been laying next to him either. Damn does that thought irk him. Changkyun doesn't belong to him, but still. How irritating it is to think about the person you have a crush on not knowing you have a crush on them so they proceed to mingle with other people they find themselves way more attracted to, right?

He sighs deeply, it catches Changkyun's sleepy fraying attention, and he flops over on his side to better examine the worn out expression on Jooheon’s face. “What's wrong? You suddenly became sad again. I thought I was doing such a great job at keeping you happy but it looks like I've failed yet again.”

“Nothing” he mumbles tiredly in response. Honesty is policy, but Jooheon’s a coward. “I'm happy. Just tired. I barely slept a wink on the way over.”

In a good world, Changkyun wouldn't be the guy that Jooheon poured his heart and soul into for the last five months. In a good world, they wouldn't even know each other, Jooheon wouldn't have a massive delusional crush on him, while Changkyun wouldn't have been the best damned thing to happen to him in the last few months.

But the world isn't good to either of them so they do, they know more things about each other now than anyone else in this awful little world. It's why he freezes when Changkyun rolls his eyes in annoyance, it's the reason his heart leaps from his ribcage and thrums from the pit of his belly.

“Mmm. I barely slept at all. But I know sleepy doesn't make you sad, I know you. You praise sleep like it's a teeny tiny God folded in the corner of your mattress that you can't wait to get back to.”

He takes the leap. He severely misses. “I'm sad Minhyuk wasn't awake when I got here.”

“Okay try again, because you hate Minhyuk doting on you. Come on, just tell me the truth so we can make it all better and get some real rest before the little demon wakes up.”

“I can't,” Jooheon groans because as soon as he turns so that they are face-to-face Changkyun looks and sounds so insanely sexy with his eyes half open and he's concentrating on frowning so hard that his little dimples are showing, even the way the sun streams in through the windows is like it's out to get him. Even when his tongue peeks out to wet his lips is- “No, I really can't.” Jooheon forces himself to sit up, grips the edges of his thin hoodie until he can feel his nails digging in the shallow center of his palms through the fabric and yanks it over his head. His skin is flushed all the way down to his chest, forcing himself to take deep breaths while attempting to calm.

When that doesn't work and he's on the verge of nervous tears he makes way to get out of the bed but Changkyun wraps around him and anchors him in place. “I know you're not going to leave me here alone? Look it's fine. We don't have to talk about it now… I'll let you rest, so please just tell me later, okay?”

Something stirs in him again, the electric jolt Jooheon felt when Slightly-Disheveled Changkyun pushed the door open with his foot while pawing the sleep out of his eyes, shirt slowly rising over the soft lines of his belly and fuck Jooheon would love to just melt right into all of it. It's the thing he felt when he first met Changkyun. It's a tiny ache behind his ribcage and at the back of his mind where he hopes it will remain. This is something good, and he will be damned if some measly emotions get in the way of it.

 

-

Minhyuk wakes up in a rush. He throws a burgundy sweater on over a white button-up, skin still glistening damp from the hasty shower he'd ran out of just moments before, Hyungwon having ran out in the same manner already. Changkyun is sleeping soundly but Jooheon hasn't been able to squeeze his eyes closed for the past two or so hours, and has chosen to pass the time playing an arcade-esque ripoff on his phone that continuously asks for real life currency to play the best games on it.

“It's bring your brother to work day. Get up!” hollars Minhyuk from the doorway while he attempts smoothing his horrifying bedhead with just his shower-damp palms. “I wanna show you what I've been up to lately.”

Jooheon hooks his fingers under Changkyun's wrist and pulls as hard as he can but Changkyun’s vice grip over his waist doesn't budge an inch. “Gee, ” Jooheon huffs out, “Guess I'll just die here.”

“Neither of you would mind and that's what truly disgusts me.” Minhyuk strides into the room, his jeans overly tight, his steps mismatched, hips swaying just enough for it to be considered too much. Jooheon eyes the suspicious movement but doesn't comment on it.

With one easy snatch, Jooheon is free and Minhyuk is dramatically out of breath. “Good grief,” he pants, rubbing his sides several times over. “Either I'm getting old or that boy has been lifting.” he gives Changkyun's wrist a flick and grimaces. “Or he's been jacking off a lot. Has he been jacking off a lot?”

Jooheon ducks into the collar of his own shirt in an attempt to hide his quickly flushing face on the way out of the room. “IDK. Why would I know?”

“You realize you just said ‘i-d-k’ out loud? But I mean you're on the phone with him every night. I figured you'd have as good an idea as any.”

Jooheon thinks long and hard about their conversations every night. The closest they've steered to any sexy topic of conversation is talking about Minhyuk’s lovelife depriving Changkyun of his precious sleep. Jooheon can't exactly admit the amount of times Changkyun groaned sleepily into the phone as something he personally thought was sexy, though it makes him wonder what was going on in the other man's dreams for him to sound so sinful. If he ever gathered the courage to ask Changkyun would quickly fizzle the conversation out with a change of topic or a hasty goodbye.

“I think he's a good guy.” Jooheon is finally content with his conclusion. “Whatever he's doing in his personal time has nothing to do with me. I'd never even thought of him in that way.”

“Oh that's funny.” he mutters in response, a dark look settling over his smooth and usually cheerful face. “Aren't you always on the phone with him? He doesn't have any personal time, did you think about that? Did’ya really think he was just being friendly?”

Jooheon buries his fingers into the pockets of his hoodie and hums in response. “Minhyuk you're being pretty dark right now. I'm not saying I'm scared but… I’m scared.”

-

Minhyuk volunteers in one of those youth shelter facilities, but he promises Jooheon this isn't the only job he has, and that his real one is a lot cooler (it also has the ability to pay the utility bills, but Minhyuk has already pointed out several times that Changkyun handles all of them).

Jooheon already thinks it's cool enough when everyone that passes knows him by name. Minhyuk-hyung is slipping out of every pair of lips, and a few people stop to hug him, though Minhyuk puts plenty of space between their bodies that it doesn't seem too personal. When they reach the small cubicle he refers to as his office, Jooheon eyes the photograph of the two of them playing in a pool several summers ago.

The fact about Changkyun isn't something that Jooheon pushes too much. Minhyuk is a jealous creature after all, so it doesn't surprise him when he sees that green eyed monster rearing its head, in fact he'd be more hurt if Minhyuk wasn't just a tad upset.

He pulls Jooheon’s gaze away from the picture of them as kids and points to a poster on the wall. “Do Not Arrange To Meet Up With Any Youth Outside Of This Facility.” He swoons. “I met Hyungwon here.”

“Hopefully not as a youth, or you just lost major cool points.”

“Technically no. The youth program is for the ages between sixteen and twenty-one...”

“Were you waiting for him to graduate?!” Jooheon also realizes that this means Hyungwon must've been homeless at some point in order to be a part of the youth program, and his heart hurts just a little more. What he does know about Hyungwon is that he's a quiet, won't fuck with nobody, perpetually sleepy nerd, and he probably doesn't deserve any of the bad shit life's ever dished out for him.

“Goodness no! You make me sound like a greasy geezer! He was a returning volunteer when we met; he thought I was the youth.”

“In that case…” Jooheon mumbles, “Hyungwon just lost major cool points. Every poster on the wall explicitly states, in the same fashion, not to arrange meetings with _any_ of the youth, yet he arranged one with you…”

“Yep.” Minhyuk agrees, again with a hard grimace on his face. “Hyungwon is a total creep for that one. But he's my creep. So it's cool.”

Minhyuk doesn't do any work in his tiny cubicle. He takes Jooheon on a tour of the facility, and along the way they help a few of the youth with their assigned chores which differ from mopping the floors to folding the laundry, and everything in between.

He is only slightly enlightened by the things he's so lucky to witness today. Like for instance during a group introductory session, Minhyuk assured them it was optional for all of the occupants of the small building, a scrawny kid whose name was Seungmin stood before the tiny crowd hustled together in one of the common rooms and told his story. He shed no tears but it looked like he was on the brink of crying. A story similar, yet distant. His mother also passed away, and his father drunk himself incapable of raising a child, so he ended up on the streets with nowhere to call home.

Minhyuk explained that Seungmin is his favorite. He doesn't shy away from exposing himself and it encourages others to do the same. Not in any particular order, they all stand one by one and tell the tale of their scars and show that the damage didn't destroy them deep down.

Jooheon remains quiet. Out of all of these people, what does he have to say that can be sadder than Kim Seungmin living without either of his parents, one deceased and the other dead in a sense? Or the kind almond-eyed Maria Wang, who chose to leave because her step-dad kept touching her inappropriately and her mother could do nothing but deny it.

Even the Han Jisung who couldn't raise his eyes when he went on to explain why he had a fear of going outside, because his parents were killed in a mugging accident gone wrong before his very eyes, and none of their other relatives wanted a child that would be mentally scarred by that image forever so they left him in the care of different facilities for over five years now. He says he'd be dead if it wasn't for the generous volunteers that come through these types of places frequently. He looks at Minhyuk when he says this, and it is the only time that he lifts his eyes from the floor or the palms of his hands.

For these people, the only place they can call home is here. Not all of them have deceased parents, but the lot of them have it much worse than Jooheon ever will, this is something he knows. Jisung is only sixteen years old, Maria a year older and she has to hide from her parents constantly, refusing to participate in outside endorsements or sponsorships because it usually involves having a photo posted to social media, and she can't risk it. Seungmin is the only person the same age as Jooheon, and even he has a dark cloud hanging over him that he'll never be able to see the sun shine through.

Jooheon is grateful for what he has, what he's lost, and what he'll someday be able to breathe through.

-

On the first night it's absolutely not surprise to Jooheon that they end up at a party. Minhyuk says it's to ‘lift their spirits’ but truthfully it's because Hyungwon’s roommate is hosting it, so that means Minhyuk Immediately Seeks Him Out once they step foot through the door. It's an apartment not much bigger than the one that Changkyun and Minhyuk share, a few minutes worth of walking from theirs too. Not surprising to anybody Changkyun is fairly wasted when they arrive.

“Sheesh. How many drinks did you have already?” Minhyuk doesn't have to yell, the music is a soft sensual song, and the apartment probably has rules about loudness so they keep the volume at a minimum.

Changkyun’s cheeks are flushed all the way across and he hiccups. “Shit I don't know. Kihyun’s an asshole.” then he covers his mouth with his fingers splayed all the way out and his eyes widen. “I never told Jooheon about Kihyun ohmygod.”

“I think you probably shouldn't, ” Minhyuk quickly slaps his own hand over Changkyun's to shut him up. “It's for the best.”

Hyungwon just magically appears from the background noise, startling all three of them before Jooheon even gets the chance to ponder about Kihyun. He's holding two miniature shot glasses with the words FLORIDA pasted over a sunny looking beach, he passes one to Jooheon and the other to Minhyuk. “Don't spill your guts in here,” he warns in a low and ominous tone, though his facial expression remains indifferent.

Jooheon downs the shot, Minhyuk presses the other suspiciously small glass into his palm and he downs that one too. Whatever it is tastes like sharpie rolled around in the bottom of the glass mixed with a tad bit of eraser shavings and he gags.

“Wow. He's a trooper.” Hyungwon mumbles. And then Changkyun giggles.

“Y’know who else is a trooper?”

“We don't want to hear about Kihyun.” Minhyuk nervously smiles at Jooheon for support, “Isn't that right?”

“If you guys keep bringing his name up then yeah, yeah I'm kinda gonna want to meet him.”

“He's the host of this party, I'm sure he can't wait to meet you too.” Hyungwon interjects, there's a purple Solo cup in his hand now, is he a magician? Where'd he even get that from? Jooheon squints.

Throughout the first thirty minutes of mute partying Jooheon learns that Hyungwon doesn't actually drink anything besides bottled water which he pulls out of his suspiciously large hoodie pocket. He hawks over Minhyuk, and every single time Minhyuk sets a drink down he picks it up and cradles it until Minhyuk wants it back. He does scold him from time to time, saying “I know you know everyone here, but once you put a drink down it's no longer yours. Never drink something you took your eyes off of for even one second.”

This advice works wonders on both of the siblings. Even though Jooheon is just floating behind the both of them, he manages to keep up with his drinks, and as soon as his cup is empty Hyungwon produces another one and throws the empty one away. He's like The Super Mom of the party it seems. When someone starts sweating a little too much he pulls a bottle of water out of his pocket, turns the AC down just a little bit, then immediately returns to Minhyuk’s side like an expressionless harmless guard dog.

Changkyun is about halfway through death's door when Minhyuk finishes his rounds introducing Jooheon to everyone he knows. There's a few mixed reactions that vary from shock to adoration, a few of the girls attending the party hug the both of them like they've known Jooheon For Years and they've Already Married Minhyuk, which no doubts earns some glares from Hyungwon because they pull away too fast.

Changkyun is draped across the arm of the signature beige floral print sofa everyone's grandma has in her living room. He's talking to some poor guy that looks bored out of his skull about the laws of attraction when they make it back to him. His eyes skip over the other two and land on Jooheon. He excitedly squeals. “Have you met Kihyun yet?”

Bored Out Of His Mind raises his hand and smiles politely at Jooheon. “Hey! This one is new.”

Jooheon mutters a weak “Hi” and the guy smiles impossibly brighter.

“Oh he's cute.”

He receives a mixed bag of replies from Minhyuk, Hyungwon, and Changkyun respectively. Jooheon grows a lot hotter through the few words they exchange and he has to reach for the zipper of his hoodie to find some type of escape.

“He Is! Isn't he? Oh my gosh I had no idea your tastes were so good.”

“He's… Not bad I guess.”

“He's _taken_ already.”

Kihyun's eyes twinkle in the light, a little bit of mischief and pride. “Oh? I'm sure we can fix that.”

“You can't!” Changkyun squeals, his fingers coming up to grip Kihyun's sleeves like a child. “Please!”

“So anyway.” Kihyun snatches away from Changkyun and turns all of his attention on Jooheon. “Want to get out of here? This party sucks.”

Jooheon’s head tilts in confusion, his hair falls into his eyes when he does. “Uhh. Hyungwon told me… Aren't you the host?”

“Cute.” Kihyun mutters, Changkyun screeches. “No he isn't. Stay away from him.”

Minhyuk is throwing his arms around Jooheon’s shoulder and snuggling into his side so that he can not-so-discreetly yell into his ear. “Kihyun is the ex we didn't want you to meet! And by ‘the ex’ I mean everyone's ex!”

Changkyun slumps lower into the cushion and tugs the strings of his hoodie until it closes around his face, leaving out only the tip of his red nose.

Kihyun’s a fast talker though, and his charming smile remains unchanged by any of Minhyuk’s badmouthing. “Ah telling him useless things already. For the record I didn't _date_ Hyungwon at all, so I'm not exactly everyone's ex.”

The night is slow and hot. It carries on with Kihyun trying his hardest to get Jooheon alone, and Changkyun whimpering for him to stop without actually putting in any effort to make him. Minhyuk pauses from pawing at Hyungwon’s clothes every once in a while to tell them both to keep their hands off his cute little brother. Hyungwon still magically produces drinks, and Jooheon starts to feel they have little to no alcohol in them, which he is grateful for. But should he make any mistakes he's going to heavily regret in the morning he can just blame it on the two shots he had early in the night.

Jooheon is going to be here for a long time. And very soon, he is going to find a home with these three idiots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't know sleep. who that? 
> 
> guys ahh changed my mind about this one. it'll be a little bit longer. introduced Kihyun which I got really excited thinking about. so it motivated me a little too much. sorry.
> 
> Also apologies. I'm stupid in love with han and his name is literally in every possible update I can think of to any of my books either major role or minor I am sorry. I really am. 
> 
> Also note this chapter is at least 4k. Tara's got her groove back uh huh uh huh! :D


	4. The More We Wander, The Thirstier We Get.

It is 4:33 in the morning when he comes to again. Jooheon is only aware of the time because Changkyun has a clock projector on his bedside table flashing neon blue above his bed, the seconds fall away in the small cubicle corner, fading into the dark squiggles of the ceiling. Changkyun’s breathing is somehow in sync with this, in and then out, then another two slow seconds roll away into nothingness.

Like a kid in the middle of summer falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in his own bed, he's not too sure of how he ended up here in this embrace; confused by it but in an entirely good way. Changkyun surrounds his body all in all. A knee is gently slotted between his legs, an arm thrown over his waist and another just under his chin. Even his shower fresh scent is threaded into every breath Jooheon takes, and honestly, he wouldn't want to wake up to anything else. 

The party ran a lot later than Jooheon is even sure it should've gone. At some point in the night, it was just Kihyun still partying alone in the first place, dancing with his arms wrapped around himself, singing off-key to a Sexiest Grooves playlist playing through the speaker of his busted iPhone. All of the guests retired early in the night, Hyungwon had fallen asleep wrapped around Minhyuk like a koala on a leather charcoal-colored reclining chair, so Minhyuk had to gently untangle himself and sneak way into the night. 

He does kind of remember leaving hand-in-hand; Changkyun to his right and Minhyuk to his left as they slipped and stumbled their way out into the chilly night air going home. A home he was sure wouldn't last too long.

The world is good to him for this short-lived time. He can sink into Changkyun's embrace for eons and never grow tired of it, just dissolving into each other like it's meant to be. He hopes that it's like that for him too. He hopes that Changkyun won't tire of him any time soon, that Minhyuk always loves him through the thick and thin and all of the rough patches in between. Hyungwon and Kihyun both will probably become people he depends on heavily. The future is always uncertain when you wake up expecting the grass to be greener on the other side. 

He cuddles closer to Changkyun and hopes the bad thoughts never come back to him. 

But they will, like always. 

 

-

Hyungwon’s pouting face is one anyone can easily grow fond of. In as little as two short hours Jooheon already has the dimples in his chin and the jutting of his lip ingrained in memory for forever and a day. He'd never taken Hyungwon for the pouty type, but after all, first impressions are always fleeting. 

“If I give you the pictures of Minhyuk…” he drops his voice down a few levels even though he knows nobody is gonna hear him in the far corner of this Backyard Burgers they are occupying. They're an unusual set of customers this early in the evening at a fast food place, where there's mostly school kids with their parents and elderly couples, none of which seem interested in the conversation two young men are having in the corner booth with fiddly fingers. “You've got to tell me something about Changkyun I'm sure even you'd know.”

“Really?” Hyungwon lets his pout fade away to reveal a poorly constructed poker face and leans farther away from Jooheon. “That must mean you have something you can't exactly ask him yourself, and that makes me uncomfortable.”

“No, no, it's nothing like that but I- Changkyun kissed me right when we first met and made me question my own existence for weeks after it! And that sucked! You understand? I just wanted to know something, like, why is he so free-spirited that he can do things like that? It pisses me off.”

With that Hyungwon hesitates to answer even more, but before long it seems less like a bargain for a photo of Minhyuk’s adorable baby fingers hovering over a plastic piano, and more like trading of highly classified government secrets. Hyungwon looks like he's swallowed a bitter pill before he even loosens up enough to continue the conversation, and that's only after he's eaten three burgers and two large fries by himself. 

“He kissed you? Woah… I… Sometimes I think Changkyun isn't exactly normal,” he says finally, and Jooheon lifts his eyes from his phone excitedly, giving all of his attention over to his table mate. “I mean… He's always making me feel uneasy when he latches on to someone new, when he's trying so hard to save someone or something that never even asked for help. I think he, um, I think he likes it.”

“Helping people? Doesn't Minhyuk like helping people, too? What's so wrong with that?”

Hyungwon looks up at him through his fringe and his lip curls in disgust. “Not the helping part. The hurting. I think he likes _hurting_ , Jooheon.”

 

Park Jaehee also entered their friend group in a very similar way to Jooheon, the sister of one of their hyung’s who always brought her around so she could escape their parents constant arguing over their inevitable divorce now that the only two kids they had were both adults. She was nineteen years old and had a passion for painting her beautiful mind on every blank canvas, a pretty face, and a sweet soft voice. She even left her mark on Changkyun. Everywhere, but Hyungwon mumbles that part. 

This is a different story now. Jooheon is here, but at the same time, he isn't. Jooheon is _her_ , but in the same breath, he isn't. Hyungwon tells him to imagine what Changkyun would be willing to die for, and Jooheon imagines _everything_ but says “Everyone,” instead, Hyungwon reaches over the table and steals three of his fries and stuffs them all into his mouth at once. “She was a girl that would've said the same thing you did. I think she even smiled the same way while thinking it.”

“Okay” Jooheon blinks, his eyelids flutter closed slowly, his mind turning gears trying to piece together an image of a girl that is just like him in every sense of the word. “Was she pretty?”

“I dunno. I don't… really play for that team, but I guess if… I did, Jaehee would be the girl I’d have my eyes on. She, um, had this kind of allure to her. A light that seemed to never go out. Kind of like you. Made us wanna go wherever she wanted to go, made us stay by her side. Made Changkyun love her, too.”

“Oh. So he's not… You know…”

“Were you before he kissed you?”

“What? No! Maybe. I definitely didn't think I'd like guys any time in my immediate life but now I can't really-”

“He's certainly skilled in that department. Every department, really. He's a good guy, not too judgemental, gives everybody a chance-- It'd be a real shame if I said it isn't because he's trying to find a void to fill.” 

Jooheon gives him a look, a sideways look that tells everything and nothing all. “Does he-”

“Fills a lot of different voids in a lot of different people! Of course, they all leave him, just like Jaehee, just-just like - did you know? About him and-” 

Minhyuk’s head pops over the booth behind Hyungwon and he looks several layers of disheveled, though he still wears that same blinding smile he's gained since living here amongst all of his friends. “Hyungwon,” he grits out, and this is when Jooheon realizes how artificial that smile really is, “I want you to stop talking now. Please.”

Hyungwon clamps his mouth closed, forces a smile to the surface and turns to greet his annoyingly loving significant other. “I waited a long time. I missed you.”

“I know.” Minhyuk coos as he slides into the space beside Hyungwon, pushing him closer to the wall and taking over the space directly opposite of Jooheon. “I missed you too, but I don't think you should be telling him all of that about Changkyun. It's not nice! It's also his personal business. He's our friend, and even worse they're bedmates so you shouldn't be slandering his-”

Hyungwon presses closer to him, then smashes their lips together shamelessly, ignorant to the employee cleaning up a spill in front of the drink machine across from them. The kiss does what Jooheon assumes it's supposed to; Minhyuk shuts up instantly and just let's Hyungwon practically maul him to death in front of whoever is brave enough to glance to their small corner booth. It's the first time Jooheon has seen them kiss for so long. It's the first time Minhyuk has ever been so upset with Hyungwon, too. But they hold each other close enough that the anger fizzles out until it's just what it used to be and nothing more. 

Minhyuk is lucky to have someone like that. Jooheon probably would've smacked him in the throat. 

 

****

Changkyun gets home a little earlier than Minhyuk does this same day since he decided to walk Hyungwon home, so Jooheon already regrets nothing more than spending time alone when his head is full of thoughts he knows he shouldn't have; each and every one a sin sitting atop the invisibly thin line of being worse than the last. 

No amount of deep breaths can steady his heart when Changkyun bursts through the front door with that big happy grin on his stupid attractive face. No amount of excessively checking the time on his phone or pretending to be interested in his last few weeks of schooling on the old scuffed laptop Minhyuk let him have two summers ago. Nothing works. 

Changkyun finds him like Hansel and Gretel wish they could've found home, sitting on the floor beside the bed nestled up in a soft blanket, laptop in front of him, books spread out on the floor around him. Changkyun’s smile grows wider and wider until it looks as if it hurts. 

“Heya.” his voice is unnaturally deeper than Jooheon remembers, it sends shivers straight through his body. 

Jooheon thinks about how Minhyuk and Hyungwon couldn't take their hands off of each other earlier. Is it really that simple? If you say you love someone one week, then the next are you inseparable? Can you die without that person being near? 

“I missed you.” Jooheon forces himself to admit this wholeheartedly, a sick boy in love with many things; the truth being far from any of them. “I'm glad you're here now.” The words sound familiar, they taste familiar. Are they apart of him now? Wanting, missing, hoping? Things he’s never felt before. Things he knows he shouldn’t. 

“You must've waited a long time?” Jooheon quickly nods at that so Changkyun continues without missing a breath, “I bought some honey glazed chicken and beer. Since Minhyuk isn't here, let's consider it a date!” and then he disappears back out of the room to go collect everything and returns in several beats of the drum in Jooheon’s heart. “You need anything?”

Jooheon only needs him, knows he cannot say this, so through the gritty sand stuck in his throat he lies and says “No,” and then scoots over to make space for Changkyun in his little enclosure of misery and memory. “I’ll be done in about ten minutes. If you want, you can wait with me-” Changkyun dives beside him, steals the end of the blanket, and stuffs himself inside. 

“It’s fine, I’ll help you anyway because I want to. Not because you asked.” He says something everyone that knows him already knows to be true. Because he's a fool. Because he probably loves much more than anyone else, is it that or is Jooheon is just looking too hard?

Jooheon closes the laptop with hardly any force, pushes it into the center of his castle of books. “Can I ask you something?”

Changkyun is just a second away from taking a sip of his cheap lime beer when he lowers the bottle and looks off to the ceiling likes he's lost in thought. “I want to say yes, but Minhyuk texted me about an hour ago to tell me you've been asking some weird questions about me, so I dunno if I wanna take that risk, or if I wanna…”

“Can you kiss me again?”

Changkyun visibly shivers throughout his entire body then slowly turns and faces Jooheon like a broken marionette doll. His lips form a few lines of words he doesn't find the voice to say, and then he leans slowly closer, slowly more, unsure of what exactly to say. “Jooheon are you sure? I know how this goes and-- you're hurting and I'm here for you, so you may feel like you have to do something for me, but I promise you that you don't. I'm here for you so I-”

Jooheon leans the rest of the way subconsciously, with Changkyun's every breath just drawing him all the way in, his words falling on nothing but deaf ears. Their lips meet soft, gentle, full of many more words that neither of them have to say. They don't have to say anything. It's another way of missing someone so much, it's another way of showing it. Changkyun slips his hand off of the condensation-slicked beer bottle and finds the hair just behind Jooheon’s ears to tilt his head just slightly, to deepen the kiss, to show him how he feels. And Jooheon is hit with it all at once when he finds himself somehow sliding straight into Changkyun's lap and wrapping his legs around that slender waist he's sometimes imagined touching. 

Changkyun shuffles a little underneath him, and then pulls away entirely, panting with pretty pouting lips that scream ‘kiss me again like that, please kiss me again like that’. “I just wanna say you're driving me insane, yeah?” Jooheon presses straight into another kiss, not even caring about any of the consequences, not even when Changkyun wraps his arms around his waist and holds him so close he barely feels it'll be easier to breathe when they part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeeeey. not dead. here's a chapter hope u guys like it. and love like all four of my readers. u rock.
> 
> exo oasis is the title. thanks.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you guys for reading <3<3<3
> 
> my apologies because it's another unedited heap of garbage.


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